A Time to Grow Up

This is the second time I'm writing this because I tried spellcheck and it erased everything.

My mom got a second job at Dillard's.

From now on, she will be going from job to job and working nights. I will be the new "mother figure" in this household.

I don't know how I feel about this. I'm a little angered and nervous and.. why? Am I going to be expected to give up my life? What about my commitments? Will the level of responsbility about to be placed on my shoulders take over? I can't do this. I'm 17. I realize that I'm not losing my mother.. but I am. She's my best friend. One of my confidentes. If something happens.. she's not going to be there to joke with me and make me feel better and tell me to calm down.

My father won't do anything. He is the most selfish man I have ever met in my life. Don't get me wrong, I love my dad, but he is stubborn, he is a jerk, and he is unbelievably uncaring. He's a hardass. And if you don't do things his way.. you don't do them at all. My brother, is his miniature. I don't know if it's a male thing.. or the last-born thing. But he is certainly a victim of something. I know they won't do anything. And that hurts and it makes me want to break down and cry. If I crumble.. what's going to happen?

This isn't fair. THIS ISN'T FAIR. Am I wrong to feel upset by this? We're poor. I know that. And she's doing what she can to pull extra money into our home.. but I don't care. I would rather have my mother than new glasses.

I'm afraid. I'm scared. And I just want to have money and not have to deal with this. What if I screw up? What if I can't take it?

Slow motion from their bodies made perfectly cast shadows on the wall.
The inconspcious light set the mood for a night of beginnings.
The beginning of hope, understanding, and an unmeasurable desire to love.
But can two hearts so perfect begin to mold to one another?
Should the heart take control of the silhoette maker's body?
For tonight started like any other night.
A calm, but exciting evening, ending with two experimenters longing to play.
But something was different...
Something glowed beneath the surface and suspended the truth.
"I love you," the body whispered
And in the emptiness it echoed back the same honesty
But in the form of a smile
--NikDee

Reality's a Beast

It hits you.. without a single warning.. it's just there. The realization that you've been trying to live in the "Dream World." Maybe I like the Dream World.. maybe I'd rather stay there.

Sometimes reality is very overwhelming.. other times is comforting. It's like a lemonhead.. sour on the outside but once you decide to face that bitter taste head on and stick it out.. it turns sweet in the end.

I guess it all depends on how you look at it.. Half full or half empty.

I'm tired of being "protected" by people that have no right to. Sure, protection is a good thing.. being sheltered is a good thing.. but trying to shield someone without their consent or knowledge just to blame them 6 months later.. no.

I'm sorry I'm your Hell. But it's killing me. Please, just stop.

Quote It

A quote for the day:

"A couple of hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success. Never leave that till tomorrow, he said, which you can do today. This is the man who discovered electricity. You think more people would listen to what he had to say. I don't know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I'd have to say it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you're wrong? What if you're making a mistake you can't undo? The early bird catches the worm. A stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We can't pretend we hadn't been told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day. Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore. Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin really meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying."

- Grey's Anatomy

A Birth

First things first --- Anything I say or post in this blog is not meant to offend anyone. A blog is like a diary... you choose to write in it... it's yours. Only this way, people have the chance to read it. Well... read away. I hope you find pleasure out of the uninteresting drama my life holds. I'm sure you'll read about it.

This should be exciting, though. Buggle-Kevin suggested it to me.. it seems exciting. However, Myspace has my world.

I like to write though. I haven't done that in a while.

Life in the New Year.. it's changed -- in more ways than one.